Monday, December 17, 2007

Dates. Raisin Imposters



When I was younger, I remember eating bowls of cereal with great caution. Not because of a loose tooth (little known fact: I still have all of my baby teeth), but because I often confused dried dates with raisins. I also thought Michael Jordan and Whitney Houston would get married, my toys could breathe, and switching the lids on all my markers would teach my mom for yelling at me. These were different times.

The only thing worse than flakes, soggy with elapsed cartoon viewing and devoid of all plump raisins, was those flakes with the odd date hiding underneath. And I do mean odd. And I do mean hiding--intentionally plotting a guerilla attack on my mouth. Dates were small, dark, and delightfully chewy like a raisin, but then they became gritty and deadly (not proven, since I always spat them out. But I think it's fair to say...poisonous). I could not tell the difference unless I bit into them, so every spoonful was like walking in a mine field. Thank goodness my lab testing proved that dates had identifiable, factory-cut corners and a golden brown hue when held up to the light. They also stink when microwaved. Coincidence?

Some of you are saying, "Hey, I am neutral on dates. Please write more about how horrible banana chips are." Others are saying, "I use dates to break my fast during Ramadan. I can't decide if they are more delicious than sacred or the other way around." I shake my head because you have been fooled by one of America's great masterminds.

What's next? Apple pie made entirely of crackers?

Photo credit: www.hort.purdue.edu

7 comments:

Mo Diggs said...

Dates are nasty. So is persimmon. Although I am enamored with the name Gritty Fruit.

It's not comedy, it's Luke said...

I'm fine with dates. However, raisins and I are not on speaking terms right now. They know what they did.

Matt said...

Stuff the dates with gorgonzola spread, wrap them in prosciutto and bake them at 350 for 12 minutes.

That's the last recipe I invented. Really, really good.

Abbi said...

Mo: here here! Luke: trace it, face it, and erase it. Matt: are you sure you don't mean prunes? Thaaat's a good boy.

Jerell said...

I eat pears. No worries.

Abbi said...

Thank goodness. But pears in your cereal? Cuckoo...

Crutch said...

yes, biting into a date is about as bad as accidentally biting your metal fork...but man you really took me back with the markers!